How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
Yeah i'm definitely friends with drunk kyle, not sober kyle.
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Randomize
