i may not always bang 16 year olds but when i do, i prefer hot ones
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
Randomize
