Currently listening to 'Just Put it in Your Mouth.' remember when i went through that phase?
Should I go home with him even though I know my Run DMC undies have skid marks on them?
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
Randomize
