i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
Having to do the walk of shame on crutches was defiently a first for me. cheers to the governor, klove
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
It was platonic naked porno viewing, I swear.
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