guys are only as good as the porn they watch
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
Hurricane Sex Time is the only thing iv said since it started.
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
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