I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
Randomize
