How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
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