y did u give ur computer a hand job?
the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
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