I wish i knew how bad drinking and hieghts were before i got up here
maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
plus like he's kinda a piece of shit. a beautiful somewhat talented piece of shit that hella needs to get his life together
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
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