I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
she insisted i was the anonymous guy on formspring that kept asking to bang her
Clearly I went along with it
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
thanks for letting me have sex in your bed, too bad you didn't get to yet
who are you?
Randomize
