I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
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