saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
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