so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
so i woke up thsi morning with a phadora on my head, no shirt and a huge hangover? want to help me figure this out?
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
its a nice change of pace not blacking out and actually remembering getting laid
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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