Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
You have better ratings than Crest. Only 4/5 dentists recommend it. You have 8/9 recommendation for your blowjob skills.
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
Randomize
