she woke up with a sticky ear
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
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