Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
your facebook page is a work of drunk art.
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
Randomize
