I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
Randomize
