census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
its totally unfair that im just as ill-prepared as a 16 year old but there's no tv show for 25 and pregnant.
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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