Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
ANNA YOU PEED ON THE STREET. LIKE NOT EVEN SUBTLY. YA JUST SQUATTED IN THE MIDDLE OF THE HIGHWAY. And you flashed your tits to oncoming vehicles to try to get them to pick us up
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
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