so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
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