The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
while i am personally glad that we met...i feel like for society as a whole it was a bad thing
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
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