i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
FYI: Do not ever call any girl a thundercunt as a form of dirty talk.
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
would it be mean if I put better with the lights off on my sex playlist just for my hook up with him?
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
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