Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
dude, the reading rainbow guy was just talking to a HOLOGRAM
Are you sure you're not watching Star Trek?
wait... oh
Damn I can't remmbre the last tome I had sobr sex
Um. I believe with my boyfriend, slut
Fuck. Wron person. But yea
Girl in front of me has spent the class alternating between playing farmville and the tiffany's website looking at engagement rings. Every once in a while she holds her hand up to the screen.
She doesn't deserve the breathe the same air that we do.
She just bought a cow and we've moved on to looking at wedding dresses.
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
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