just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
i'm not so sure everythign we did last night was legal...
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
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