Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
He just said "wow, thats some rly nice hair! And those teeth..thosee are some cool teeth"
Not to make her into that kind of girl, but she did have a condom mural
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
Randomize
