guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
Eh maybe I should give her a chance. Let's see where making a porno takes the friendship
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
