I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
I had forgotten what it was like to go to all four classes. It's exhausting.
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
If you fuck her..... You will be in great danger. Like in so much danger it would be like walking into a pit of crocodiles who haven't eaten and you also just stole their baby.
He has me blocked on facebook.... so I stalked him using my cats fan page.
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
Randomize
