He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
I deserve this hangover.
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
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