I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
Randomize