He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
Randomize
