This is not my ceiling
I'll bet she douches with gravy.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
Randomize
