i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
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