Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
you walked 30 min all the way back to the dorms at 2am?
i was more bummed that i dropped all my skittles.
Randomize
