Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
next photo in the 'cherished memories' series- Jess's bed. Note the vomit actually UNDER the pillows. shes a genius.
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
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