I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
