I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
Dude she let me cum on her face
You have the wrong number I'm the she who let you cum on her face unless some other girl has let you since this morning
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
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