so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
I think the solution to your phobia is an open relationship with your dildo. about the same responsibility as a pet rock
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
Randomize
