I just need someone to hold me and tell me i dont turn boys gay
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
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