YOu come back ASAP and we will do whatever you want baby
dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
my spring break was before theirs and i literally fed him vodka all week, only stopping for class and bowls. like handles. i cant even think anymore, that chastity belt was hard to get off,
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
Randomize
