My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
is it trashy that while he was throwing up in the bathroom, i was hooking up with his childhood best friend?
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
just had a memory of me telling homeless mark that it was the year of the bunny and he said "you da bunny, girl"
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
Randomize
