I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
Its where this guy sticks a jar up his ass. Be prepared to be suspended between vomiting and cheering.
well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
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