I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
We had sex and I never took my mets hat off... I feel like Duda knows and approves.
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
Randomize
