allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
If my drunken penis pic is ever to be forgiven id like to start over with all that
If you fuck her..... You will be in great danger. Like in so much danger it would be like walking into a pit of crocodiles who haven't eaten and you also just stole their baby.
Randomize
