Umm I'm too high to move.
just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Randomize
