my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
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