Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
