Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
What do you call a girl with PMS and GPS?
A crazy bitch that WILL find your ass!
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
Eh maybe I should give her a chance. Let's see where making a porno takes the friendship
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
Randomize
