you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
Randomize
