please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
I dig being used for consequence free sex. Not consequenceful sex.
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
Unless you consider jello shots food the answer is no there is no dinner here. When u get food get more wine too tired of you coming over drinking all my booze and destroying my vagina
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
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