Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
I introduced him to the male G-Spot. Don't ever tell me I'm not experienced.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
I am way too high for this. Some guy just keeps talking about music and life goals and he apparently has lived in every city we mention we are going
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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