So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
haha it staarrted out with just getting drunk then it turned into sports authority. So now im 4th or 5th in line and shit faced. Help me
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
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