I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
Her parties are sponsored by Valtrex. This might not be your best idea.
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Randomize
