I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
Randomize
