rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
Exactly, there's no such thing as commitment at foam n' glow
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
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