Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
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