So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
Can't wait to hear which one of you won the 'fuck a bigger geek' contest last night. Queen Amidala vs Lara Croft. See you at breakfast.
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
He plays guitar, sings like an angel, and acts like a gentleman. If I don't fuck him by the end of first semester, I'm dropping out
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