I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
you have to choose: penises or morals?
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
Randomize
