and my herpes radar will keep us safe
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
there is another microwave in the elevator.
Randomize
