I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
Randomize
