Hahahaha do you think bella ever gave edward head?
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
Randomize
