I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
There were four people in the car. The girls sure know how to blow. I think we almost crashed when the driver climaxed.
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
