Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
Does it still count as a threesome if one girl left halfway through cause we were having too much sex?
Fuck you for even being able to ask that question
I have serious attachment issues. I just realized how long its been since ive smoked out of my bong and I feel guilty for dis owning it this week
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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