I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
Another day, another engagement, another cat
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
Randomize
