Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
Nothing ended up happening last night because he couldn't get my overalls or fanny pack off. I woke up this morning with one strap over my overall shorts on, my fanny pack wrapped around my chest, and the baby doll still tied to my hand. Ugh white trash parties!
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
She keeps referring to it as an "us" Either she is seriously mistaken on what fuck buddies are or she learned another meaning of the word "us"
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
You're dick is like the main character. It needs its own picture.
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
Randomize
