Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
Is it bad to use cherry nyquil as substitute for grenadine? Because i just went there.
Nah, totally cool. It already has the alcohol in it.
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
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